Well, it's been a little bit and honestly, I have not been NOT dating, just haven't been inspired to share the dates. Inspiration serves many purposes, the last batch (yes, batch) of dates have all been less than inspirational in so many ways. Hence, the anthology. First off, an anthology is a collection of stories (just in case you were wondering), this will allow me to put these seemingly ill-conceived dates all in one place (and then the past). I'll start with these two:
1. The Hisser - We chatted online for a few days. He seemed nice enough, offered to meet up locally at a restaurant. I said okay, but just for drinks (I'm not stupid - this time). We met and I ordered a drink, as did he. He started to talk and when he turned his head to me, he had a gap between his two top front teeth wide enough to sail a yacht through. Funny, all his pictures (and I doubled checked after) had smiles without showing teeth. (I will now put that on my *warning list). Each time he talked to me, he hissed (imagine a snake) and spit through that gap (such talent, right?).I backed up a bit thinking I'll suffer through my drink, thank him and be on my way. Unfortunately, each time I moved back, he came forward. At one point, he was literally leaning over my lap. I will say, he had to have serious stomach muscles to lean in that far and not use a brace of any sort.
I found myself at an impasse, the conversation deteriorated to talking about the "lucky" guy seated next to us who was enjoying a free show from his date (she was very well-endowed and barely covering it up). I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I sent out the SOS from there and within three minutes, I bailed (I have some awesome friends!). I offered excuses and left my only half-drank drink. I practically ran to my car and got out of there.
By the time I got to my next destination, (home to take a much needed shower), he'd texted me: "I guess I was good enough to pay for your drink." Not sure how to take that, and to be honest, I don't care to think about it. I prefer, rather to think of "truth in advertising".
2. The "I'm ready to move on" guy - I'll call him, Misfire. We texted for two days. He was pleasant enough. His pictures were decent - a little older looking than I would normally go for but I though maybe his personally would make up for it; up until that point, in texting it did. So, I agreed to dinner. I know, dinner is such a commitment and I KNOW better. I like to consistently challenge myself, so dinner it was. I showed up early (anyone who knows me, knows this is a rarity.) I took advantage of the extra time to have a drink. Misfire didn't drink, at all (never a good sign). I guzzled my drink and sat at the bar with water, just in case. (One should never have to hide their habits - and yes, drinking is a habit). Anyway, he finally showed up and I gave him a side hug since I was seated. He wasn't bad looking and had a quick wit. Good signs, right?
We went to the hostess and asked for a table. As the hostess was talking, he pulls me over into a bear hug and whispers in my ear, "thanks for that, I had to feel you". Ummm, excuse me. Before I could say anything the hostess said, "after me," while looking rather embarrassed. I didn't want to make her feel worse so I smiled and followed obediently. He followed behind us. We sat down and he began to talk about other things and I started to think, maybe I misunderstood? Could that be possible? I don't know.
The conversation started out benign enough and then I asked the question .... "So, tell me, what happened?"
He seemed reluctant for about two seconds and then went all in. Damn! Yup, I found out way too much. I mean most people might say something along the lines of "it didn't work out" or "she cheated" etc. Not Misfire. No, he told me about how she skimmed tens of thousands of dollars from their business to finance her drug habit, her neglect of home and body, how incredible their sex life was and how she threatened to take him out more than once. Along with this, (as if this isn't enough) he tells me how he couldn't wait to "nail her to the wall" for all the money she spent and he has had to pay back, leaving him practically homeless, taking care of her college-aged son; this after he told me the only way he managed to pay back said money was through prayer and guidance.
I guess my facial expressions tipped him off...and the fact I practically inhaled my steak. I ventured that he probably shouldn't be dating until he was over his wife, to which he responded with complete indigence. He said the only reason he couldn't leave her was because of the "earth-shattering sex". Yes, that was a quote. He went on to explain how he would never find that again. It was "once in a lifetime" and that was the reason "I couldn't leave that sex! I mean, have you ever had the best sex of your life? How could you just leave it?"
Okay - pause... you're on a date with someone new and you're going on and on about how fantastic your "almost" ex-wife was in bed and how you'll NEVER find that kind of physical fulfillment ever again. Just a hint for those reading - this is a bad move. Not if you ever expect to have sex ever again - good, bad or otherwise.
Okay - unpause... I must of rolled my eyes. He reached across the table and began to explain ... "you know that sex is wonderful. You are an adult and I'm an adult, having sex is a pure act of cleansing. It takes all the bad and makes everything great again," he said. "Sex is necessary for everyone. It's like eating food, you have to eat so why not eat with me?"
I nodded and took a drink of my water, wishing it had something a lot stronger in it! He continued, "Food is good for the soul and sex is the same. Something that everyone needs. You need it to survive and to validate yourself," and then he added, "even though I know sex will NEVER be as good as it was with her, I had to leave and I can have sex with anyone now. I'm a good looking man who deserves it and more".
I snickered. Yes, I did. I leaned back and said, "You're right, you aren't a bad looking guy. Not completely unfortunate looking and you do deserve to dine well and have as much as sex as you want," as I smiled.
He looked hopeful and said, "So, you know, you had dinner with me, you can have sex with me. It will be okay."
I nodded and said, "Yes, I did have food with you. It was okay and I could have sex with you. I would be okay, maybe after some therapy and possibly a doctor visit. Ultimately, though, it boils down to this ... (I paused for effect and to see if he caught the doctor comment - which he did not)".
He said, "Yes?"
I took my water, took a sip and set the glass down in a deliberate motion. "The thing is, I don't want to," I said while shaking my head and smiling.
He said, "Oh".
Thinking, I'm done here, I started to stand as I thanked him for dinner and told him good luck. He stood at the same time and we walked toward the door. As if all of the conversation shouldn't have let him know exactly where he stood with me, he asked me, "So, can I get a hug?"
I laughed and said, "No, I don't think that's a good idea. You don't seem to take a hint and I wouldn't want to confuse you as I'm leaving.""Oh, okay, well, if you want to go out again, just call me. I'm good," he said to my back as I was walking away from him toward my car. I threw him a backhanded wave without turning around.
Really? Not sure how people like that get through life. I thought I was rather blunt.
Stay tuned for more of the anthology ...
