Intermission

So, it's been five dates now and as you have read ... they just are not going anywhere.  How do I know how to handle the outcomes?  Well, there are some unwritten and written (after today) unofficial rules.  I've been asked to write something that explains the "rules," that I follow, of online dating. 

Please understand - these are MY rules.  If you do not like MY rules, don't follow them.  I promise not to be upset (besides, I probably will never know). 

Okay... the Rules according to ME:

ONE:  Messaging - have something more to say than "Hi". The initial message needs to grab my attention and should grab theirs!  It doesn't need to meet a 100-word count but say something witty - use their profile.  Look for something, ANYTHING and mention it.  You'll get more responses that way.

TWO:  Okay, you've been messaging - he's offered his phone number and says to "text anytime".  Ask yourself two questions:  1.  Do you REALLY want to talk to this guy/gal? and 2.  Do you REALLY want to meet up with this guy/gal?

I know those questions may seem odd, right?  You would not be messaging with this person if you did not want to a. talk to them or b. meet them, right?  WRONG!  Many of us will message with someone without the intent of ever meeting them or actually talking with them.  Why?  EGO!  Yup, I went there!  Who doesn't want to see that they have eight messages waiting or 15?  You know you like it.  I like it!  So, take number two for what it is BEFORE you give out your number.

THREE:  How long is long enough to agree to meet?  If you've read my previous blogs (and I hope you have), you'll see that I have met up the same day as the initial message.  I've also waited a week or so after messaging and texting.  There is NO specific time you need to wait.  It's all up to you!  For the ladies ... TRUST YOUR GUT!  Your intuition will lead you well, trust it.  For the gentlemen, I have nothing - I'm not a guy.  Sorry.

FOUR: Where to meet - everyone should know to meet at a VERY public place.  No one ever really knows about people and a public place offers opportunities for meeting and disappearing (Houdini).  The place will probably also dictate the length of time!  Be careful with this (read Doc and No Neck for more on this). 

Label  and length of time (approximate)

Meet for Drinks/Coffee - approximate 20-minute minimum 
Meet for Lunch - approximate  30-minute to 1-hour minimum/ maximum 
Meet for Dinner - approximate 1-2 hours minimum depending on where you go 

Your time is valuable!  If you have met the minimums (above) and are not feeling the date, it is OKAY to leave.  Tell whomever, "well, thank you for the ... I must be going now."  We all have an allotted time and one should not be wasting it on invaluable moments!  If you agree to lunch or dinner - have you talked on the phone, do you really feel drawn to the person?  because if you don't that hour or two could be one or two of the longest hours of your life! 

FIVE:  You've met and now the date is done.  How to end it? 
If you like the person and want to see them again, tell them (but only if you think it is mutual).  You can tell.  Did they touch your arm while they talked to you? Did they look you in the eyes as they spoke?  Did they listen when you spoke? and respond?   When you were sitting, did they turn to face you with their whole body or just their head?  Did they lean into you?  Smile while they talked? 

A special caveat here - all of the above indicate interest, however, you will need to consider if it's genuine or if it's of the "one-night" version.  It doesn't matter to me but understand the difference and know what YOU want. 

SIX:  Let's say they did all those things and you've decided to continue to date at his/her place.  Things happen and everyone leaves happy in the morning.  How to proceed? 

  First, ask yourself, was it a one-off? or do you want more? 
  Second, is he/ she texting saying how lovely of an evening it was - so glad to have met you? 

  Let's work on the premise it all went well and now it's done.  The light of day is a harsh reminder of reality sometimes.  How to let them go - nicely as to not adversely affect your karma.

  1.  DO NOT text them.  Silence is a great way to tell them you are done. 
  2.  IF they text you with niceties and want to see you again.  DO NOT respond immediately.  The length of time between texts is important.  Too soon and you're showing impatience.  Too long and you are showing lack of interest.  In this case, you want a longer period of time.  Give it an hour. 
  3. WHEN you respond, DO NOT apologize for the length of time it took to respond.  A solid text in response:  "I had a good time as well.  It was good to meet you."  I realize this may be a bit curt but think about it.  If you sent a text and received that one in return - what would you think?  I would be like, "ummm, yeah, not texting you again."
  4.  NOW some folks do not have emotional intelligence and will NOT pick up on the clue. They will text again ... Let's do it again or are you free this weekend?  Second response - again, wait ... a day or two.  Silence is beautiful.  By this point, one would assume he or she is talking to their friends and one of the friends has clued them in. 

SEVEN:  Let's say all did not go well and you just want to leave.  IF you want to leave during your "date" - have a code word set up in advance.  I always tell a friend where I am going, who I am supposed to meet and send them a screenshot of that person.  I also have a "code" word set up so if I text that word to my friend, they know to text me with an "emergency".  

Let's take last weekend as an example, I was having an okay time but he just wouldn't give me space.  It was getting on my nerves. I finally texted my friend the word "ORANGE"  - just ORANGE.  She immediately sent me a text saying she was ill and needed my help NOW!  Please come home.  I used this and made my excuses. (well, it was a little more than that but you'll have to wait for those details in one of my future blogs).  Point is, it's a built-in escape plan.  HAVE ONE!!

EIGHT:  You've agreed to texting and discover "You're just not that into them" - How to let them know, you've changed your mind.  Again, SILENCE.  Texting has taken over and many prefer to text than to talk so prepare yourself to be misunderstood and misrepresented.  Texts are only as good as the two people interpreting them.  There is an official term for the silent treatment.  It's called going GHOST or GHOSTING someone.  Basically, you just stop acknowledging their existence and you become a ghost to them. 

NINE:  You had a date and it was okay but you're not attracted to them in that way.  You don't want to be mean.  You ignore their texts for a couple of days and they still are texting you.  My favorite is:  "If I did something wrong, please tell me."   In an effort to get them to STOP texting me, I tell them this: "The last couple of days have been crazy.  The other night was fun.  You seem like a very nice person. Honestly, I think we can be friends, however, nothing more.  I need to get back now." 
It's a very efficient way of "Friendzoning" someone.  (BTW - it worked quite well, every time). 

and TEN:  You've been invited to the movies or a party (strange but some people consider these good first dates).  Do you go?  Ask yourself a few questions:  Do you want to see the movie?  Do you know anyone else at the party?  Can you bring a friend? 
If you want to see the movie and think you can tolerate the company of a stranger for up to two-hours, go for it.  OR suggest you make a "group" thing.  You bring a friend, they bring a friend and that way, if things go awry you've got immediate back up. 

Same for the party - take back up with you. 
IF they say NO to the friend thing - ask yourself why? I would see that as a serious red flag and decline immediately, including losing their number. 

I hope these 10 "rules" are helpful.  Feel free to add more and let me know if they've worked for you!  I love to read your comments!  Also, feel free to suggest other blog ideas ... Thanks to K. for suggesting this one! 

Happy Hunting! 

Smooth Operator

Date Number Five:  Mr. Smooth Operator

Ever have one of those days when you are up for anything?  You know, you just have that attitude of "Bring it On! I can handle it!" Yeah, I had one of those days.  I probably should have rolled over and told myself to shut up but, then I wouldn't be able to share this with you.  So, get yourself a beverage and sit back... Mr. Smooth Operator is coming up.

I arrived at work that morning with an abundance of energy and a "can do" attitude.  Now, if you know me this is not something that happens every day.  In fact, it rarely happens.  I mean, I typically am in a good mood (well, good enough) and have enough energy to make to work (typically, on time).  The combination, now that, is a rare occurrence.

I was sitting at my desk and heard my phone vibrate. I picked it up and noticed I had a new message from Mr. S.O.  I had never talked to him before so I opened his profile... he was age appropriate- actually a little older than I liked.  Truth be told, I prefer guys in their 30s (they look better - yea, I'm a bit shallow) AND they like to have fun - go to the club, do cool things and aren't worried about their golf game or retirement (see, I'm not THAT shallow).  Anyway, Mr. S.O. was in his 50's, his pictures said they were recent and weren't awful.  He was tall (6 ft.) and had a job and a car and no kids.  Not going to lie, that last bit made me a little happy.

His message was more than a "Hi" and less than book, so I went with the positive vibes I had going on that morning and answered him back.  We exchanged pleasantries - I found out he worked for the shipyard and was a supervisor.  We bonded over a couple of sentences talking about aircraft carriers ... Don't ask me why, but I sent him a note of let's meet tonight.

I had an unofficial team builder (code for drinking with the workmates) that night and thought it would be a great opportunity to meet someone.  I wouldn't be alone and if he could hang with the workmates, maybe, just maybe, he could hang with me.

I know you must think I'm crazy - and honestly, as I write this, I am considering, you may be right.  But at the time, I thought why not?  Oddly enough, he said yes.  I was surprised - I don't know that I would want to drive 30 minutes to meet a complete stranger and 10 to 15 of their workmates at the same time.  I have to admit, I was impressed.  Now ... if he only shows up.

We continued to text throughout the day and before I knew it, it was time to go.  The unofficial team builder (UTB) started at 5pm (happy hour only went to 7pm) and Mr. S.O. was expected at 7pm.  The UTB was going well and everyone was having a good time.  I had told most of the team what was going on and they were all pretty good natured about it.

It was approximately 7pm and in walked Mr. S.O.  He carried himself with an air of confidence (this was a plus) and headed right for me, as if he knew me.  He introduced himself and we hugged (I'm beginning to accept this is how one says hello to someone they've never met).  The conversation was easy enough. He did have one negative - he smoked.  A lot.  and not just cigarettes  I have a firm no drug policy.  I don't really care if others do it but I don't want to date someone who partakes.  I'm allergic to smoke and stupid, for me they tended to go hand-in-hand.

I can't remember the conversation - most of it was inane and of little consequence, however, after a few drinks, I was smiling and after all, that's what it's all about - me.  Right?

He mentioned he wanted to go smoke in the smoking section so I introduced him to a few of workmates that also smoked.  Her name was Lola.  Lola liked to smoke (only cigarettes).  She is also single and not completely unfortunate looking (at all).  I asked Lola if she minded escorting Mr. S.O. to the smoking room for a moment.  She, of course, had no issue with that.  Afterall, I had already asked Mr. S.O. if he had any friends he could hook Lola up with.  She assisted with this endeavor throughout the night.

Off they went.  Mr. S.O., Lola and a few others that shall remain nameless.  The night progressed.  We drank, we did shots, and we laughed.  The group was beginning to wind down and go their separate ways.  Soon enough, it was Lola, Lady E., Mr. S.O. and myself.  Then Lola made her excuses.

Lady E. and I had not seen each other in a long time so we spent a lot of time catching up.  I tried to include Mr. S.O. in the conversation but he didn't seem to mind.  He was standing next to me, occasionally sneaking in a kiss to my forehead (isn't that sweet?) or rubbing his hand up my back.  Very attentive without crowding.  Maybe it was the drinking? or maybe it was because I thought "he's older, I can trust him." Yeah, whatever it was, it was wrong.  More on that in a minute.

Ultimately, Mr. S.O. begged off as well.  Lady E. and I were still talking so it was fine with me.  Before he took his leave, he bent down and whispered in my ear ... "This weekend, let's do something, just you and me... yes?"

"Yes," I said with a silly grin still looking at Lady E. and thinking of his mouth so close to my ear.

He stood, kissed my cheek and took his leave.  I still had that silly grin on my face as I continued my conversation with Lady E.

Now, I know you were expecting details and something odd to happen - as per my previous dates.  This guy didn't have anything odd or distinctly off.  He was nice, attentive, gave me my space, could carry a conversation with others without help ... I mean, this guy had everything in comparison to my previous dates.  In fact, he had something I didn't even know about ... Lola's number.

Is that the end? No, not yet!  Fast forward to the next morning.  I'm at work.  I hadn't heard anything from Mr. S.O. but then I hadn't expected to.  I was thinking about texting him though.  I kinda felt bad for half ignoring him all night by talking to Lady E. for so long.  I decided to text him.

"Good Morning.  I had a lovely time last night, thanks! I'm sorry I didn't give you my full attention - I was just so glad to see my friend after so long.  I am looking forward to this weekend - just the two of us," I wrote feeling good about it.

Just then and instant message popped up ..."Hi," Lola wrote.  "Do you have a minute?"

"Yeah, what's up?" I wrote.

"Hey, how well do you know Mr. S.O.," Lola asked sheepishly as she approached my desk.

"I don't really, I just met him last night. Why?" I asked.

"Um, he texted me last night," Lola said.  To say I was surprised is an understatement.  So many things ran through my mind - why? how? wtf?

"And...?" I asked.

"I didn't text him back," Lola said with fervor.

"Okay, what did he say? " I asked.  Lola was a little uncomfortable (I mean, who wouldn't be?)

 She said, "It said, 'If things between Diane and I don't work out, would you be interested?'"

I went from surprised to ... what an arse!  Here I texted him less than an hour prior saying, "can't wait till this weekend..." bs and he is trying to set himself up with my friend? just in case?  Seriously?

Lola explained to me that he had asked for her number -"to give to his friends" so Lola could hook up with said friends. Now, don't be mad at Lola - I'm going to say alcohol had something to do with Lola's obviously impaired judgment and blame the dude.  He was trying to be a player.

How does one respond with grace and yet make a point?  Lola and I went back and forth as to how to react to him ... should I text him from her phone? Should I just delete him and forget him?  Should she text him and tell him off?

I let it marinate for a second and decided to text him this:

"Then again, I'm not interested.  Sidebar: Lola, too, is not interested.  May want to work on your moves. #chicksbeforedicks"

Point made, point taken (I hope) and we're through here... Date number five, concluded.

Houdini

Number Four: It must be MAGIC!

So far, the guys have been blah with no excitement what so ever.  Not to mention the whole compatibility factor in the single digits.  Which brings me to victim, I mean, date number four.  Ah, Houdini, he was good; at least I thought so.  Good to talk to, good to relate with, good sounding and not half bad to look at until he wasn't.

Let me back up a little, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.  Houdini was from Plenty of Fish.  I am on more than one online dating site, as are most people who employ this version of dating.  One thing guys and gals, if I may point it out.  If you are going to use multiple sites, change up your photos.  Pictures are the number one way to recognize someone and if you use the same ones on all the different sites, it's very hard to "change" who you are in the profiles, although some of you may try, smh. Just a little food for thought. 

So, where was I?  Ahhh, Houdini.  He was a single guy (or was he?) with a teenaged son.  He said his son was 17 years old.  I like children.  I have three of my own but to be honest, I am so over raising children.  I hated going to the PTA meetings with my kids, why would I volunteer to do it again for someone else's children? (As if the PTA is the only thing to worry about when raising a kid - ahh, PTSD for PTA).  Anyway, enough about that, Houdini's son was a none issue, at this point.

The beginning - Houdini and I talked one time on the phone prior to meeting up.  (I still haven't decided on how much pre-date  interaction is needed so I'm trying a little of everything.)  He had a nice voice and laughed at my corny jokes so I agreed to meet him for drinks at a new local establishment.

The day came and I was talking about my date at work.  One of my girls said she needed a drink, too.  I asked her to come along as a "chaperone/ witness/ get out of jail free card".  "Sure! "Why not, I need entertainment!, she said as she laughed.

The plan was to both go to the place but I would go first and then she would arrive a few minutes later.  It went off without a hitch.  I got to the central bar and he was waiting for me.  He recognized me (not hard to do with my platinum hair) and came over and hugged me, hello.  I was a bit taken aback but hey, I went with it.

He mentioned the place, and pointed out different areas (it has a number of restaurants and bars all in the same location, of which we were seated at the main, central bar).  It was my first time there.

"So, have you eaten?" he asked.

"No, but I'm not really hungry," I said having to tame my PTSD from the last dinner date gone bad. "Maybe later."

"Okay, no problem," he said.

We ordered a couple of drinks (him, beer and me, cider).  Conversation started to flow pretty well.  We talked a little about a number of subjects, then he checked his phone.  Typically, this isn't a big deal.  He was quite apologetic as well.

"I'm so sorry, this is my son.  Do you mind?" he asked.

"No, of course not," I said as I turned to scan the room.  I found my friend from work.  We'll call her, "Katniss". Katniss was sitting across from me on the other side of the bar.  She waved and I waved back as I looked to Houdini to see if he noticed.  Nope, he was still looking at his phone.

He finished his texting and said, "my son wanted some information about a gift for a family member I told him I would help him find."

"Oh okay. So, everything is okay?," I asked with a smile as I took a sip of my cider.

"Yes, now, where were we? Right!  Food. I'm starving, I'll be right back with some food," he said.  And off he went looking for food, phone in hand.  I distinctly remember saying I did not want dinner but okay.

He returned in a few minutes and put his phone on the bar turned over.  I didn't think too much of it.  Conversation started again.

"Do you like sports?" he asked.

"I can take them or leave them," I said.

"Oh, I love sports - sports are awesome! I need sports everyday!" he said.

"Wow! so what is your favorite sport?," I asked.

"Football, of course!  I just love football...excuse me, I need to take this," he said as he reached for his phone.  He must have really good hearing because I could barely hear him talking to me, let alone my phone ringing.

I looked across and saw Katniss talking with two men.  I could tell she was talking about me because she kept looking over at me and smiling and pointing.  I got up and went over to say hello after all,  Houdini had walked away to take his call.

Katniss introduced me to her "friends".  They were briefed about her "job" this night - being there in case I needed her.  Bob and Larry seemed nice enough.  Both older gentlemen, they applauded my efforts and the self-confidence needed to go on blind dates in hope of making a connection, theoretically out of thin air.  I laughed, they were not far off.  We chatted while I kept an eye on Houdini.  I saw he had started to walk back toward the bar... I made my excuses and left to join him.

As I got back to my original seat, Houdini was there and magically, so was a pizza with barbeque chicken and french fries on it.  Interesting combo to say the least.

Houdini began eating and proceeded to tell me he was from Philadelphia.  I was intrigued because I am from outside of Philadelphia.

"So, where in Philly are you from?." I asked as I bit into a fry.

"I'm from Boyertown," he said, sneaking a glance at his phone.

"Oh, well, that's not really Philly, right?  I mean that's like - what? more than an hour North of Philly, depending on the traffic," I said catching him texting.

"Oh, you know the area?" he asked, still texting.

"Yes, because I'm from about 30 minutes North of Philly, myself," I said smiling, thinking 'hey here's something we have in common'.

He looked up from his phone.  "Oh, yea, okay.  Great," he said as he looked down at his phone to text again.  He was alternating between picking up food and picking up his phone.

Katniss shot me a glance of "How's it going?" and I sent her the look of indifference with my eyebrows raised.  This guy was obviously more interested in his "son's" texting than anything else. Well, except food. 

Although I will say Houdini did pretty well with trying to continue two conversations at the same time.  One on his phone and one with me. He brought up the Eagles.

"How about those Eagles!?" he asked as he lifted his head. 

"Umm, are they doing well? Normally, they suck," I said with a shrug and a giggle.  (What part of I don't watch sports don't you get?)

"Oh, right, so do you play a musical instrument?" he asked, "I love music."

"I play the radio... I can even change stations when I need to," I said with a sarcastic tone.  This conversation was going NO WHERE!

"Ha ha, (literally, he said Ha, ha) what about getting laid? You into that?" he asked. 

Well, this conversation escalated quickly.  "Well, I wouldn't call it 'getting laid' per se ... ummm, wow!  Run out of other topics to talk about?" I asked as he looked down to read a text.

Revel in the silence... I did.  I tried to rescue? the conversation ...  I made a couple of jokes about the Eagles (not hard to do) - most people only like them because they are doing well this year.  I love the bandwagon fans! And music, I like EDM - no instruments required - which club associates with Tomorrow Land?  As for the physical pursuits I told him I was into dance...and no, Country music is not dancing (as far as I was concerned) and surfing ... no water or board needed, just a couch and netflix, baby!  Obviously, I'm into many other things - but he was looking for some very specific physical activities that I would not even consider (and that's saying something).

"So, do you live alone?" he asked.

"Most of the time, but sometimes no... oh look, there's a friend of mine from work!" I said as I waved a grand hello to Katniss.  She laughed and waved back in an equally over-exaggerated way. He looked up and noticed however, was still obviously torn between live and memorex (lol, just kidding) texting. 

"Hey, do you know where the bathroom is?" he asked as he stood up, looking at his phone.

"Sure, it's over there," I said as I pointed to the Eastern corner of the building.

"Okay, great eye! I'm going to go to the bathroom," he said, as he texted and started to walk.

"No problem, when you get back I'm going to go to the bathroom, too," I said.

"Cool," he said, already engrossed in whatever message he had received.

I watched him turn to go to the bathroom.  I got up to head over to Katniss.  Bob and Larry greeted me.

"How's the interview going?" Bob asked.

"Ha, I hadn't thought about it that way... he's not doing well.  He's constantly on his phone," I said.

"Ahhh, well, then he is failing the interview," Larry said.

"Yes, I believe you are correct," I said.  No job for you, mister Houdini. 

Bob and Larry went on to give me some valuable advice:  If someone is more interested in their phone than having a conversation with you, they are not worth your time.  Their loss.

I have to admit, that's great advice and if I ever were to see Bob or Larry again, I would thank them.

Houdini came back to the bar.  I saw him and I went over to him.

"I just went over to see my friend.  I'm going to go to the bathroom now," I said.

"Okay, no problem," he said with his face in his phone.

I walked over to Katniss.  She and I went to the bathroom.  We weren't in there overly long.  Just long enough to use the facilities, wash our hands and walk out.  That's when I noticed...

Houdini had disappeared. The pizza tray was still on the bar.  My jacket was still on the back of the chair.  My beverage sat there untouched but all evidence of Houdini was gone.  Just gone.

Bob and Larry said they saw nothing.  The bartender said the tab was paid.  So, in the three minutes it took Katniss and me to go to the bathroom, Houdini did an impressive disappearing act.  I stayed at the bar with Katniss for another half hour thinking of what I may have done to prompt that kind of response or maybe he had an emergency?  Maybe he'd text?  You know, I sure as hell wasn't going to.  If he wanted to pull that kind of disappearing act - more power to you Sweetheart.  I was bored anyway.  Maybe Aliens came and snatched him up?  Or there was space-time wormhole and he got swallowed up?  Hope he could do better with conversation when it came to others because for me, he sucked.  Yup, I said it.  I pride myself on being non-judgmental and open but this guy?  He was a bullet dodged!  Good riddance. 

Date four concluded. (Two snaps and a wave bye-bye.)